Originalmente Escrito por Bro Code
ARTICLE 1
Bros before ho’s.
The bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. That’s just science.
ARTICLE 2
A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.
ARTICLE 3
If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.
COROLLARY: Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a Steve McQueen movie does not absolve a Bro from the spirit of this article.
ARTICLE 4
A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason… no, not even that reason.
ARTICLE 5
Whether he cares about sport or not, a Bro cares about sports.
ARTICLE 6
A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.
ARTICLE 7
A Bro never admits he can’t drive stick. Even after an accident.
ARTICLE 8
A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.
ARTICLE 9
Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as “Gimme three!” or “Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball.” It’s still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls… metaphorically speaking, of course.
ARTICLE 10
A Bro will drop whatever he’s doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.
ARTICLE 11
A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bro retain the right to leave his possessions where they are—in most cases, stuck in a doorway.
ARTICLE 12
Bros do not share dessert.
ARTICLE 13
All Bros hall dub one of their Bros his wingman.
ARTICLE 14
If a chick inquires about another Bro’s sexual history, a Bro shall honor the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth.
ARTICLE 15
A Bro never dances with his hands above his head.
ARTICLE 16
A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series, and Playmate of the Year.
ARTICLE 17
A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the Pyramid of Screaming.
ARTICLE 18
If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group.
NOTE: To avoid confrontation, it’s a good idea for the Bro to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.
ARTICLE 19
A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”
COROLLARY: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over.
ARTICLE 20
A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they’ve selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.
ARTICLE 21
A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smoking-hot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting.
ARTICLE 22
There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.
ARTICLE 23
When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.
ARTICLE 24
When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and handicapped.
ARTICLE 25
A Bro doesn’t let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girl’s name.
ARTICLE 26
Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.
ARTICLE 27
A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach.
COROLLARY: A Bro with a coat of fur on his back keeps that thing covered at all times, even at a resort pool or the beach. Sorry, Bro.
ARTICLE 28
A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.
ARTICLE 29
If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.
ARTICLE 30
A Bro doesn’t comparison shop.
ARTICLE 31
When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.
ARTICLE 32
A Bro doesn’t allow another Bro to get married until he’s at least thirty.
ARTICLE 33
When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, “What is this, a chicks’ restroom?” if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball… rebounding is optional.
ARTICLE 34
Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil’s threeway.
ARTICLE 35
A Bro never rents a chick flick.
ARTICLE 36 DD
When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.
ARTICLE 37
A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they’re not that heavy.
ARTICLE 38
Even in a fight to death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.
ARTICLE 39
When a Bro gets a chick’s number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.
ARTICLE 40
Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as “a bachelor party”.
ARTICLE 41
A Bro never cries.
EXCEPTIONS: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire.*
* Applies only to the first time he retires.
ARTICLE 42
Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never full embrace.
ARTICLE 43
A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn’t America.
ARTICLE 44
A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.
EXCEPTION: If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.
ARTICLE 45
A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.
ARTICLE 46
If a Bro is seated next to some dude who’s stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoe off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.
ARTICLE 47
A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe.
ARTICLE 48
A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he’s banged.
COROLLARY: A Bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
ARTICLE 49
When asked, “Do you need some help?” a Bro shall automatically respond, “I got it,” whether or not he’s actually got it.
EXCEPTIONS: Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car.
ARTICLE 50
If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro’s undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.
ARTICLE 51
A Bro checks out another Bro’s blind date and reports back with a thumps-up or thumbs-down.
ARTICLE 52
A Bro is not required to remember another Bro’s birthday, thought a phone call every now and again probably wouldn’t kill him.
ARTICLE 53
Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.
ARTICLE 54
A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Patty’s Day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Year’s Eve, and Desesperation Day (February 13).
ARTICLE 55
Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.
ARTICLE 56
A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
ARTICLE 57
A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.
ARTICLE 58
A Bro doesn’t grow a mustache.
EXCEPTION: When shaving, it’s more than okay for a Bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth until the end so that he might temporally experiment with different facial hair configurations.
EXCEPTION: Tom Selleck.
ARTICLE 59
A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it’s out of stat or, like, crazy expensive.
ARTICLE 60
A Bro shall honor thy father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of then in that capacity.
ARTICLE 61
If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.
ARTICLE 62
In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both calls dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven’t purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they’re the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreetBroshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there.
*Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.
ARTICLE 63
A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection.
ARTICLE 64
A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the latter Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
ARTICLE 65
A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros.
EXCEPTION: A Bro is off the hook if his Bro orders a drink that arrives with an umbrella in it.
ARTICLE 66
If Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, his Bros shall offer no more than a “that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer. To eliminate the possibility of any awkward moments in the future, his Bros shall also refrain from any pejorative commentary—deserved or not—regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite backslide window has fully closed.
ARTICLE 67
Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.
ARTICLE 68
If a Bro be on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longetivity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own personal records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent.
EXCEPTION: Dry spell trumps hot streak.
ARTICLE 69
Duh.
ARTICLE 70
A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. Hi is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro’s trip or general well-being.
ARTICLE 71
As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a Party.
ARTICLE 72
A Bro never spell-checks.
ARTICLE 73
When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather than enormously relieved.
ARTICLE 74
At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way, if another Bro is several cars behind, he’ll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the lights turns red again.
ARTICLE 75
A Bro automatically enhances another Bro’s job description when introducing him to a chick.
ARTICLE 76
If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say “I love you,” he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic, Barry White-esque tone.
ARTICLE 77
Bros don’t cuddle.
EXCEPTION: To conserve body heat in an emergency situation.
ARTICLE 78
A Bro shall never rack jack* his wingman.
*To steal your wingman’s chick. Big-time no-no.
ARTICLE 79
At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he’s not horrified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.*
COROLLARY: If a Bro’s date should catch the bouquet, he shall act excited (if he wishes to sleep with her ever again) before scurrying to the bar to join the garter Bro for a very stiff drink and/or shots.
*Open bar only.
ARTICLE 80
A Bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle*, short of completing the tricycle himself.
*Engaging in a threesome.
ARTICLE 81
A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros.
ARTICLE 82
If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to “take it back” or “apologize” to make amends. That’s inhuman.
ARTICLE 83
A Bro shall, at all costs honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever “love” thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.
ARTICLE 84
A Bro shall stop whatever he’s doing and watch Die Hard if it’s on TV.
COROLLARY: Ditto The Shawshank Redemption.
COROLLARY: Also Top Gun, The Big Lebowsky, and the first half of Full Metal Jacket.
COROLLARY: And porn. Duh.
ARTICLE 85
If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros.
COROLLARY: His Bros are required to whistle, even if they have no idea what they’re whistling at.
ARTICLE 86
When a Bro meets a chick, he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.
ARTICLE 87
A Bro never questions another Bro’s stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can, however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.
ARTICLE 88
If a Bro, for whatever reason, must drive another Bro’s car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.
ARTICLE 89
A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro.
ARTICLE 90
A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six-pack, he shall bring a six-pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.
ARTICLE 91
If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname.
ARTICLE 92
A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance.
ARTICLE 93
Bros don’t speak French to one another.
ARTICLE 94
If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees.
ARTICLE 95
A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman, regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally.
ARTICLE 96
Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire.
NOTE: Attempt to start a fire outside.
ARTICLE 97
Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro’s college’s ass all over the field this weekend.
ARTICLE 98
A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event.
ARTICLE 99
A Bro never asks for directions when lost.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick who seems to know the area.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lost.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he is not lost at all.
ARTICLE 100
When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection.
COROLLARY: If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the Bro, the Bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he’s not wearing sunglasses he will first put them on, then put them down to get a better look.
ARTICLE 101
If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave*. This is what makes them Bros, not chicks.
NOTE: A woman’s lust for gossip is matched only by her passion to have babies and accessorize. As such, a Bro should take heed when divulging a secret to a married Bro.
*And beyond, if the Bro discovers there is indeed life after death.
ARTICLE 102
A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.
ARTICLE 103
A Bro never wear socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it.
ARTICLE 104
The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print coloring… provided she looks good in it… but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes.
ARTICLE 105
If a Bro is not invited to another Bro’s wedding, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, even if, let’s face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It’s cool. No big whoop.
ARTICLE 106
Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night.
ARTICLE 107
A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging.
ARTICLE 108
If a Bro forgets a guy’s name, he may call him “brah,” “dude,” or “man,” but never “Bro”.
ARTICLE 109
When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.
ARTICLE 110
If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome.
ARTICLE 111
If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.
ARTICLE 112
A Bro doesn’t sing along to music in a bar.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may participate in karaoke.
EXCEPTION TO EXCEPTION: No chick songs.
ARTICLE 113
A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.
ACCEPTABLE AGE-DIFFERENCE FORMULA
x = chick’s age; y = Bro’s age
ARTICLE 114
If a Bro must crash on his Bro’s couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to Split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.
ARTICLE 115
A “clothing optional” beach doesn’t really mean “clothing optional” for Bros.
ARTICLE 116
A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bro’s chances to score with a chick.
ARTICLE 117
A Bro never willing relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fool’s errand of getting up to manually change the channel.
COROLLARY: It is fully expected a Bro will try anything to gain possession of the remote, up to and including an attempt to flatulently smoke his Bro(s) out of the room.
ARTICLE 118
When a Bro is with his Bros, hi is not a vegetarian.
ARTICLE 119
When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar… a Brotorcycle.
ARTICLE 120
A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name.
EXCEPTION: If a Bro’s last name is also a racial epithet.
ARTICLE 121
Even if he’s never skied before, a Bro doesn’t trifle with the bunny slope.
COROLLARY: If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the “conditions”.
ARTICLE 122
A Bro is always psyched. Always.
ARTICLE 123
Two Bros hall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from “Beat It,” which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.
ARTICLE 124
If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.
ARTICLE 125
If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.
ARTICLE 126
In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
ARTICLE 127
A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying “I love you, man” to all his Bros.
ARTICLE 128
A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination, or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, it’s preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code… half naked from the waist up, naturally.
ARTICLE 129
If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece or lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.
ARTICLE 130
If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.
ARTICLE 131
While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car’s ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passerby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he’ll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck a arrives.
ARTICLE 132
If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancée and results in a “no sex” penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ.
ARTICLE 133
A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.
EXCEPTION: “Pull my finger.”
ARTICLE 134
A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman.
ARTICLE 135
If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.
ARTICLE 136
When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested “It was okay.”
COROLLARY: A Bro never brings a camera to a bachelor party. The only memento a Bro is allowed to bring home from a bachelor party is one that can only be destroyed by penicillin.
ARTICLE 137
When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros.
THE PIZZA EQUATION
p = number of pizzas (rounded up to nearest integer)
b = number of Bros (including yourself)
ARTICLE 138
A real Bro doesn’t laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin.
EXCEPTION: Unless he doesn’t know the guy.
ARTICLE 139
Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, “Broadway” begins with “Bro.”
ARTICLE 140
A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date.
THE LEMON LAW
ARTICLE 141
A Bro can only get a manicure if (a) he’s trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) it’s been longer than a month since his last manicure. It’s called the Bro Code, not the Slob Code.
ARTICLE 142
A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.
ARTICLE 143
When executing a high five, a Bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers or grasping his Bro’s hand.
ARTICLE 144
It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it’s still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wrestling* to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided, each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.
*Not on the bed.
ARTICLE 145
A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text, or email in a timely fashion.
ARTICLE 146
A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bros.
ARTICLE 147
If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro’s back.
EXCEPTION: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary-looking guy.
EXCEPTION: If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week.
EXCEPTION: If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody’s back.
ARTICLE 148
A Bro doesn’t listen chick music… in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyche, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.
ARTICLE 149
A Bro pretends to understands and enjoy cigars.
ARTICLE 150
No sex with your Bro’s ex.
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